It's Time for Change!

 This week has been an eye opening week for me. I have figured out so much about me and my eating habits, it’s literally shocking to me. First I would just like to say that I haven’t worked out that much this week but I’ve placed importance on figuring out some underlying issues that I have with food. I will say though, that I have lost 8 pounds, most of which I’m sure is water weight but I’m not complaining. 

 I would like to share just a little about my past because it has effected who I am not only on the inside but as well as my appearance. When I was 12 years old my step dad at that time molested me. I have figured out that I took it upon myself to change my outwards appearance so that I would appear less attractive. I did this because even though my mom knew what was going on, she chose to ignore it because of the financial problems that would have arisen had she left him. I felt like it was best for me to pack on the pounds and shelter myself form anyone and everyone I could. At that point I figured out that the world was a nasty place. I kept the weight on thinking that if I found someone who respected me for who I was on the inside they wouldn’t care about how I appeared on the outside. That however, didn’t work. Now here I am 24 and a domestic violence survivor, divorced, and have been through a number of relationships where I have been mentally and emotionally abused.

 It’s time for change! That change cannot only be an outward change though. I thought that loosing the weight would fix my self esteem, but through prayer and contemplation, I know that will only be a temporary fix to a much larger problem. I can’t hide from the past anymore and I have to face those demons. I’m slowly figuring out how to do that, but I know anything’s possible with the help of God. 

 This week I have also looked into my eating habits. I have found out that I view soda as a drug. By that I mean that I turn to it like a smoker turns to cigarettes. I drink soda when I’m stressed, when I’m anxious, and when I have nothing better to do. I crave it. I’m a Dr. Pepper person, but if it’s not in the house I will turn to anything as long as it’s soda. I’m not addicted to the caffeine, but I am addicted to how I feel when I drink it. I love the bubbles, the taste, the everything. It’s kind of sick when you think about it. I’m pretty sure that I drink more calories than I eat. With this past week of reflection I have noticed that I want more and more soda because my past stresses me the heck out. The past few days though, I have cut down my soda intake to 2 a day. Let me tell you I feel like a mad woman on PMS!!!!!!! I have been very much on edge, and my son notices this too. 

 My goals for the next week include me working out more and going down to one soda a day. I also want to look more into how my past relationships have changed who I am, and how I will deal with someone liking me when I get skinnier. I also want to say sorry if I’m not the most loving person the next few days. This whole no soda thing just might be the death of me.