It's Time for Change!

 This week has been an eye opening week for me. I have figured out so much about me and my eating habits, it’s literally shocking to me. First I would just like to say that I haven’t worked out that much this week but I’ve placed importance on figuring out some underlying issues that I have with food. I will say though, that I have lost 8 pounds, most of which I’m sure is water weight but I’m not complaining. 

 I would like to share just a little about my past because it has effected who I am not only on the inside but as well as my appearance. When I was 12 years old my step dad at that time molested me. I have figured out that I took it upon myself to change my outwards appearance so that I would appear less attractive. I did this because even though my mom knew what was going on, she chose to ignore it because of the financial problems that would have arisen had she left him. I felt like it was best for me to pack on the pounds and shelter myself form anyone and everyone I could. At that point I figured out that the world was a nasty place. I kept the weight on thinking that if I found someone who respected me for who I was on the inside they wouldn’t care about how I appeared on the outside. That however, didn’t work. Now here I am 24 and a domestic violence survivor, divorced, and have been through a number of relationships where I have been mentally and emotionally abused.

 It’s time for change! That change cannot only be an outward change though. I thought that loosing the weight would fix my self esteem, but through prayer and contemplation, I know that will only be a temporary fix to a much larger problem. I can’t hide from the past anymore and I have to face those demons. I’m slowly figuring out how to do that, but I know anything’s possible with the help of God. 

 This week I have also looked into my eating habits. I have found out that I view soda as a drug. By that I mean that I turn to it like a smoker turns to cigarettes. I drink soda when I’m stressed, when I’m anxious, and when I have nothing better to do. I crave it. I’m a Dr. Pepper person, but if it’s not in the house I will turn to anything as long as it’s soda. I’m not addicted to the caffeine, but I am addicted to how I feel when I drink it. I love the bubbles, the taste, the everything. It’s kind of sick when you think about it. I’m pretty sure that I drink more calories than I eat. With this past week of reflection I have noticed that I want more and more soda because my past stresses me the heck out. The past few days though, I have cut down my soda intake to 2 a day. Let me tell you I feel like a mad woman on PMS!!!!!!! I have been very much on edge, and my son notices this too. 

 My goals for the next week include me working out more and going down to one soda a day. I also want to look more into how my past relationships have changed who I am, and how I will deal with someone liking me when I get skinnier. I also want to say sorry if I’m not the most loving person the next few days. This whole no soda thing just might be the death of me.

It's About Time!

  I figure it's about time that I start being real about my problem....... I'm addicted to food, and as unshocking as that may sound, considering my weight, its a real problem that I'm faced to deal with. Sometimes I feel alone in my walk of obesity, but its becoming clear that I'm not alone.

  I have never told anyone how much I weight and it kills me that even my doctor knows so this will be the first time in my life that I'm going to be vulnerable about my baggage.  My goal of this blog is to be open about my lifelong struggle and to maybe be a light in the lives of others with weight issues.

  Being a bored/emotional eater means that I have so much inner emotional work to do on myself before I will ever be successful in keeping weight off. I hope this blog will allow me the opportunity to "vent" some of my struggles, and to clear the air a bit in my life.

  I hope that you will follow me on this journey that I'm going to be pursuing. I admit I'm a little flawed in my writing so things may not always be grammatically correct, nor do I want to place a filter on my emotions. If either of those things bother you then I may be a burden of a blog for you..... sorry

  For today I will let you know my first weight loss goal. I would like to be a size 14 by October 15th 2012. Currently I'm a size 26/28 (depending on brand). I don't really want to make a specific weight a goal of mine because I'm built bigger. I am one of those so called "big boned" people. It wouldn't be realistic for me to say I want to weigh 130 pounds because I would look awful. I know that I want to loose weight until I feel comfortable about myself and I'm able to say for once that I'm healthy.

  I will however, be keeping track of the pounds I'm loosing so that I can motivate others as well as myself. I know it takes a little longer for it to appear that someone is loosing weight so I will give a weight update weekly, as I will only be weighing myself once a week (to keep my sanity).

  I guess all I need to leave you with now is how much I weigh...............................................................375 pounds is a horrific number to me, considering my scale only goes up to 400. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I never want to see 375 again.